my lack of ability to focus on any one thing is a despairing characteristic. my connection with creative endeavors feels forced or selfish or empty, and it’s possible this is because i have become rooted for too long in a cynical view. it’s also rooted in an adhd response triggered from a deeply traumatic childhood and young adult experience.

the solution to this is not to simply not be cynical, because i do truly believe objectively that the world is broken and worth criticizing (general social relations and honest communication is bad among countries and different groups and the spread of hedonistic, selfish impulses masquerading as freedom instead of symptoms of deeper enslavement is also bad)

the solution has always been, and will always remain, to confront that and attempt to offer methods of action through it in veiled, mostly symbolic or cryptic, gestures that hopefully don’t devalue the life of another.

i simply can’t focus because of personal trauma and the difficulty of getting through that in my life. i work very hard to subvert this and also find that guiding spark of inspiration.

i truly believe that the video game i am working on will be the thing that frees me from this despair. but it will take a few years to complete properly.